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| Dan, Me, and An |
I've chosen to write about my brother Dan, because I cannot begin to describe how complex it is to be his little sister.
I'm walking down the same path that I went on for my previous essays. My professor suggested that I take time to think about what feelings I have toward Dan. Exasperation, worry, and longing are just a few emotions that I associate with my big brother. Then, I've let myself remember things in my life that I've never really cared to think of before. I'm walking down memory lane, revisiting the good, the bad, and the confusing interactions and conversations I've held with Dan.
Since I'm home for Easter break, I've taken on the task to do more research, and I've been bombarding my parents with questions about my childhood, and the things that happened with Dan that I can't remember clearly. To help with this process, we decided to go through photos of our childhood. I discovered that my parents keep a safe in their bedroom that contains important documents and photos.
Mom pulled out an envelope that had Dan's birth certificate and passport in it. She also revealed three sheets of old, brown flimsy paper.
Dan's life is mapped out on those sheets.
When Dan was born, my grandmother - my father's mother - contacted some sort of astrologer/fortune teller/whatnot to write a description about Dan's projected life. For a small monetary fee, he mapped out Dan's life from his birth to the age of 74. Beyond that number, Mom says, the astrologer couldn't see.
You can imagine my shock to discover the existence of such a thing. My parents never told me about this. Now, let me tell you that my shock is not an indication of my close-mindedness. I'm kinda a believer in the supernatural. I love reading articles and fiction on things that may or may not exist. It's just...it seemed unimaginable to me that Dan's life could be so easily foretold.
I sat mesmerized by the neat but curvy penmanship that some unknown wrote in blue ink. My eyes traced the obscure boxes and arrows that appeared in random spots on the paper. It was in two different languages that I couldn't read: Vietnamese and astrology.
My incredulity heightened considerably when Mom began to translate the words into English.
In his adolescence, he will be a hot-tempered child. He will love and hate you (the letter is written to the parents). He will be a hard child to raise. He will be bright and will like numbers and will perhaps work in business. He will favor the mother over the father. He will be loved by everyone anywhere he goes. He will travel far. He will love but not be close to his sisters or brothers. When he is older, he will take care of his parents. By the time he is 30, he will be rich. He will marry a rich wife as well. His first child will be a son.
Ever feel like you hear something you can't understand but somehow know to be true? That's exactly how I felt when my mom told me these things.
Dan never liked school. When he was in elementary school, he never liked to do his homework. Some nights, I'd wake to find my brother's bed empty. After a little investigating, I'd find him downstairs and my parents awake. They used to make him do his homework during this time, forcing him to complete his assignments in order to get a good grade.
Despite his unwillingness to admit it, Dan has also inherited my mother's anger and stubbornness. He and her are too alike: one bit of friction and their anger comes alight.
Dan had a knack with business. The only thing that he really liked in school was business and business club. I thought he was going to major in it, but imagine my surprise when he decided to go for chemical engineering and then civil engineering! I never understood that change in his path.
Underneath his stoic attitude these days, I know that a thirteen-year-old wimpy kid still exists. Everyone still loves his innocence and they pamper him for being the firstborn son in my family. He can go anywhere he pleases and there will always be someone to help him out. When he went to Vietnam after my family just came back, he went with little regard for anyone there. But when he returned, he came back with gifts and fond letters from distant relatives. After he left training in Arizona, he went to visit a first cousin in Arkansas. He stayed there a few days, played with her dog, and hunted deer with the cousin's husband. He then went to Virginia to visit more cousins. They welcomed him with open arms.
Even though my love for Dan is indescribable, I still feel like there's a missing piece in our relationship. I started feeling it when he left for college, and I haven't thought about it until now, when I feel like I'm finally able to write about us. My sister and him, on the other hand, will never get along. They've had too many problems, problems that trace back to childhood fights. They will be there for each other, but their bond will never be strong. It's sad to think about, because we've always been the triple Le's. I hope we'll always be that way.
As for the other things that I cannot see - his marriage and his children - well, I hope that can come true. My mom told me to remember that little prediction about his firstborn son. I hope that there's reality in that.
My sister has a letter too, but it's considerably shorter than Dan's. My parents probably lost some of it. My parents can't find mine, but I have one somewhere. Reading that letter is so surreal. So many truths that I cannot explain. There's nothing really wrong with what was written in the predictions. Discovering that letter has helped me reflect on my interpretation and perception of Dan. I still don't know how I'll begin with my essay, but I have the things that I need. I just have to put it all together.
This post has got to be the least coherent of all my posts. I didn't even realize I was typing this until I looked at the time. That's the dangers of being a writer: Your hands begin to move on their own!
